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ctviolin
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Joined: 07 May 2009
Posts: 961
Location: Roswell

PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 11:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Everything Else"

Well,
I am getting "better", if you want to call it that.

I'm getting used to the "new me" that has emerged from that stroke, now over a year ago...

I'm finding that a large portion of my memory (and former personality) has gone - never to return, which had me really concerned (well, frightened actually) for a while, but which I am now getting used to.
I figure that if I avoid another one (stroke), I'll be doing OK, in fact, there are actually some things that I'm coming to like about this condition, like, I don't have to agonize over many things that I used to agonize over (according to my wife) ... much habitual behavior from the past is simply gone now, and I have been able to form new behaviors with deliberate intention, like, how I view dialysis and working in my free time.
I'm more able now, not to worry over things I used to worry over, and simply enjoy myself - whatever it is I find myself either having or wanting to do...

Another interesting thing that I find, is that I have lost my fear of death. I find that the idea now intrigues me somewhat - no end really.
Bizarre isn't it?
I'm not at all suicidal - that isn't it at all, but I have been over to the edge so many times over the years, that the fear is now simply gone... I kind of like it. I don't really remember why I used to be "scared" of the idea, or why I would shy away from thinking about it.

And so life goes on.
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ctviolin
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 11:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ctviolin wrote:

Another interesting thing that I find, is that I have lost my fear of death. I find that the idea now intrigues me somewhat - no end really.
Bizarre isn't it?
I'm not at all suicidal - that isn't it at all, but I have been over to the edge so many times over the years, that the fear is now simply gone... I kind of like it. I don't really remember why I used to be "scared" of the idea, or why I would shy away from thinking about it.



In fact what it is, I think, is that the idea of not going through, or having to go through, this type of thing endlessly, is reassuring. It's kind of cool thinking that there will come a time when I will not have to deal with these seemingly endless trying (medical) circumstances.

It's a trial, in a real way - and the idea of one day being able to relax and not struggle continually, is somewhat appealing.

Does anybody out there understand this? Does anyone feel this also?

Just curious.
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Lemuel
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Joined: 12 Aug 2010
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Location: Mt. Elgin, Ontario

PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a complex subject to discuss. I see fear only in relation to something valuable. The more valuable it is (our life being the most valuable),
the greater the potential for fear of it's loss or damage (We don't fear losing garbage).

People handle their fears in different ways. Some purchase insurance which is really a method to replace any value that is lost. Others are not fearful,
because they know how to restore, fix or replace the value. Finally, there are those that come to know a loving God that will protect what's valuable,
and if not, will replace it with something far more valuable.........and not necessarily visible.
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ctviolin
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Location: Roswell

PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lemuel wrote:

Finally, there are those that come to know a loving God that will protect what's valuable,
and if not, will replace it with something far more valuable.........and not necessarily visible.



Yeah, ok I'll buy that.

Cool that someone (well, probably more than just someONE.) does get it.
I'm beginning to see that there are many many people out there, who are petrified about dying (as I was at one time) and then there are some who simply accept it's reasonable approach, as inevitable and acceptable in a calm manor.

What does this have to do with violins?
Well, keeping things in perspective - nothing, really. But keeping things in perspective - for me personally - with what's going on in my life today - it has lots to do with violin making...

Thanks Lemuel, for making my posts worthwhile. To me, such responses that I get from you and others here, are very valuable.
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ollieken
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Joined: 26 Mar 2007
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Location: New Brunswick Canada

PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:06 am    Post subject: Hello Craig Reply with quote

Nice to hear from you again . I have an idea what you are saying about
dying it`s like the old song everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody
wants to die .
I fooled the grim reaper a few times & I never worried
about the grim reaper getting me. I have been run down by a van that the
(driver never cleaned the frost off the windshield )
dragged & when it stopped.
I told Him to back this thing off me the front
wheel was on my elbow that broke & went out of joint I done $1500 damage to the front of the van (Cheap Dodge you know )Anyhow I healed
& life goes on. I had a brother that the grim reaper took with Cancer
he told me if there was anything on the other side he would let me know
never heard from him yet so if the grim reaper gets to me someday so be it only thing I cant take my fiddles Hope you have a good day Craig ......Ken
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Lemuel
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Joined: 12 Aug 2010
Posts: 515
Location: Mt. Elgin, Ontario

PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ctviolin wrote:
What does this have to do with violins?
Well, keeping things in perspective - nothing, really. But keeping things in perspective - for me personally - with what's going on in my life today - it has lots to do with violin making...


It has a lot to do with violin making (and in all other areas of endeavor).
As you likely know, fear of any kind will block the free flow of artistic
expression (let alone any action).

This is particularly true for musicians when it comes to stage fright. Once
it sets in, it travels fast throughout the entire body, and quite literately
freezes it. On the other hand, when fear is gone, there is freedom (and
even a sense of joy and peace) for the musician.

It's good you've overcome your fear of dying....that's a big one for many
people. You must feel a lot more freer. I notice it in your writing style
and your courage to bring up "down to the heart" subjects such as this
one.


What a story Ken....it's good to hear from you. The way you write truly
reminds me of the Maritimes. Since you're out there in New Brunswick,
it's not hard to see why. I lived in Newfoundland for 15 years, and loved
it.
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ollieken
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Joined: 26 Mar 2007
Posts: 281
Location: New Brunswick Canada

PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 12:53 pm    Post subject: Lemuel Reply with quote

Hello Lumuel
We made a few trips to Newfoundland & I can tell you that if we ever win the Loto we will have a home in NFL in fact on my desktop is a picture of
Western pond brook Gorge tour we went on Unreal
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_Brook_Pond

Hope this link works if not Google western pond brook NFL tour
We were going to go back this past summer but health got in the way .
Hope to go back next summer . Also the free concerts at dock at Port Au Basque every evening on a big outside stage & the moon coming up over the ocean!! are you home sick Yet ??? . Maybe Mayor Ford should go & see how real people live Maybe put him on an ice berg in ice berg ally that would cool him off ..right
Oh Craig glad to hear you are on the mend keep cheering us up with your posts & keep out of reach from the bow Rehair police on M.s Net .....Ken
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Lemuel
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Joined: 12 Aug 2010
Posts: 515
Location: Mt. Elgin, Ontario

PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 2:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ollieken wrote:
are you home sick Yet ??? .


....more than homesick.... Oh my......those awesome photos of NFLD mountains over the pond......Sigh!!....
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ctviolin
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Joined: 07 May 2009
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Location: Roswell

PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2014 9:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Time has passed.
My close friend Tom finally passed away, (I think he was on dialysis, 31 years total...) and I believe that he was ready to go.
As I think many of us can get to the point where we are simply done... done fighting, done striving - simply done and ready.
No big deal, no sweat.
But I'm still "starting up" again. The stroke has changed me - that's for certain, but I'm still very much alive, and my mouth is still working overtime, and I'm still attempting to make violins.
Though the time factor seems unrealistically long now, and all the other things in life have a new and "shiny" attractiveness - things such as spending time watching tv or playing video games with the grandkids - going shopping with the wife - drawing with my brother, etc.

Violin making is still the main thing that I have accomplished in my life, and the biggest challenge that I still face.

So, I'm just saying that "life goes on". No doubt about it.

My thank's God.
If you're there, thanks for the great, unbelievable, and continuing ride.
I probably shouldn't even really be here, and yet here I am, and..., and honestly, I feel about as well as I ever have during the last thirty or forty years.
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ctviolin
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2014 10:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

go figure.
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Lemuel
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2014 4:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry to hear about your friend. God bless you, Craig....keep on going.....
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ollieken
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Joined: 26 Mar 2007
Posts: 281
Location: New Brunswick Canada

PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2014 9:01 am    Post subject: Craig Reply with quote

Craig Sorry to hear that your friend Tom Passed away . 31 years on
Dialysis is one long time it must be a record . You also have a long time with the illness as well.
Hope you make it 35 or 40 yrs. as I enjoy reading your post`s you keep members thinking & have some good ideas of what is
going on in this fiddle making. I know I have learned a lot from members on this site .
I also want to thank the all the members that are making this site
possible & keeping it clean .

Craig. My regards to you & give my regards to Toms family for me Ken
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ctviolin
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2014 9:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well... thanks guys,
I knew Tom for all twenty seven or eight years, well since I first started dialysis... He and Betty (another bygone dialysis person) and I used to be weekend breakfast partners, but times change and people come in and go out of our lives.
In fact my wife from when I was first on dialysis (for the first twelve years) has passed away (a burst brain anurism(sp?), due to Lupus) and I'm now remarried to Mary (for the last ten years).
Very often I'm around people that are done and/or ready to go. So, it doesn't bother me much anymore... I've gotten used to it by virtue of repetition, I guess, if nothing else. In the dialysis unit it's really pretty common.
And I now believe that when we're ready to go, and done with our business here - well, it's best not to fight it.
I sort of lucky in that I keep on getting back to where I feel like a normal guy just working in my shop.
So - I'm not ready to go anywhere (thank you very much!), other than the hardware store or the art supply store to get more crap for my artwork or my violin making.
What a life, huh?
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ctviolin
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 12:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh yeah, and my new venture...

bow making.
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ctviolin
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 2:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ctviolin wrote:
Oh yeah, and my new venture...

bow making.


wow! that long ago?

still here.
Bows still going, slow, but moving forward.
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